Tag Archives: methotrexate

Where’s this pregnancy?

After a week of waiting, we went in for a scan today hoping to have a clearer idea of where this pregnancy is. Last week the doctors were certain it wasn’t a viable one because my beta HCG rose from 211 to 268 in 48 hours. They were hoping this was a chemical pregnancy that would resolve On its own and I would just get my period. However, a week later, there’s no spotting, not much pain and no visual on where this pregnancy is. The scan today was inconclusive. 

The doctors requested to get another beta HCG today. I was honestly hoping and praying the numbers were going down. To our surprise they didn’t drop and came in at 409! My number sort of doubled after about a week which is clearly not a good sign and we’re still very much in the “grey” area. 

I don’t know what to think and am taking it in one bit at a time. The doctors are hesitant to give me methotrexate until we see something in the scan and with my immature knowledge my guess is that we might not see anything with levels so low. This lingering thought at the back of my head is affecting me emotionally and physically. It’s affecting my marriage and it’s affecting my care for my baby. I don’t want this anymore. I want to put my fertility issues behind me for once and have a year not worrying about this. Is that too much to ask?!? 

I’m going in to see the doctor again tomorrow. I’m not sure what her opinion is going to be but if she asks me, I will let her know that I’m ok to start with methotrexate now rather than waiting through another week of this uncertainty lingering on our heads. I am missing out on this little miracle I have at home and it’s just not fair to her or to my DH who has so patiently held my hand through each of these pregnancies…viable or not! 

I love them both to bits. I’m not sad about what’s happening to me but:

I am not liking the fact that I am pregnant (like this)

I am not liking the fact that I am away from my child for long hours and she’s left with a nanny

I am not liking the fact that I am not a 100% when I’m with my child

I am not liking the fact that my hormones are all over the place and I’m having a difficult time controlling them

Am I being to selfish?!? Or am I being too negative?!? Or is it both?!? I just want to put this behind us and move on. It’s not fair to my family anymore. I need me to be me for them. It’s about time. 

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I’m pregnant and its ectopic no.4

I am having difficulty finding words to type right now. I am pregnant and its another ectopic pregnancy.

Yesterday, I started having shooting pains on my right side. I monitored it all day and started analysing when I had had my last period. Since BabyB my periods have been all over the place mainly because (1) I was breastfeeding until February (2015) and (2) I am on a progesterone only contraceptive pill. I finally figured I was about 4-5 days late in my very short 21-22 day cycle. DH has been out on a business trip so I decided to wait to test until today after he returned.

This morning we were at the hospital for Baby B’s 15 month shots. Fortunately, I bumped into my gynacalogist on my way out and she was kind enough to speak to me for a few minutes. She prescribed an immediate beta HcG blood test and a pelvis USG for ovarian cysts. My mind was put to rest when Dr.S was almost certain it must be a cyst-related pain.

The good thing about being in India is that even on short notice and and not an entirely emergency situation I was able to get a blood test and an USG scheduled within an hour. I was really hoping it was a cyst but in my heart of hearts I knew it was not. I knew it last night when the same stabbing, aching subtle pain on my lower right abdomen reappeared after 3 years! The emotion, the fear, the gulp in my throat, the fact that another one of our creations was going to miscarry or be made to miscarry. Even though it is the 4th time around and I know the drill, I still had a gulp in my throat.

As the technician scanned me, her expression said it all. She sighed and said, “Sadly, I think its another ectopic pregnancy and this time it is on your right ovary”. If I remember correctly, less than 2% or just about 2% of pregnancies are ovarian ectopic pregnancies and now I have that statistic to add to the list of my infertility achievements. It was still way to early – only around week 4 – so she still wanted it confirm it with a beta HCG blood test. Later, this evening, we got my blood test results and it came back positive. I had a beta HCG level of 166 making me about 3-4 weeks pregnant.

What makes me sad is that I knew a normal pregnancy was never possible but even after being on contraception, I fell pregnant. Lately, DH and I have been speaking about having our IVF baby no. 2 and we’ve talked at length about me being ready, us being ready, Baby B being ready. More than anything, I need to be physically and mentally ready to go through the treatment again (along with the baggage of disappointments) and be strong about it because in no way was I going to let ‘trying’ for baby no. 2 interfere with us raising Baby B. We even got my AMH done which came back at a disappointing 0.2 (a very very low egg reserve at 33 years of age).

What saddens me even more is that with this ridiculously low AMH and barely any eggs, I still fell pregnant! I find it very hard to admit to myself that I have been pregnant 5 (FIVE) times in total in the last 5 years and have only one baby (though very grateful for that one miracle – think I would have gone mental by now if she wasn’t there!)

So what’s next? We do another beta HCG blood test on Monday (after 48hrs) and wait for the results. Depending on how the levels move, Dr.S will decide the course of treatment. She said its most likely to be Methotrexate and I will be monitored closely through the week. In the meantime, I am taking paracetamol for the pain, trying my best to remain calm and keeping myself distracted with my dear sweet daughter who makes me giggle with her silliness through the day. She is the one and only thing that makes me feel better about this whole situation. When I look at Baby B – she looks back and smiles at me, calls me “mamma” and when I ask her for a hug she comes running to me and wraps herself around me. Love her to bits.