I’ve been away from the blogging the past few weeks but not away from the community. Reading updates from fellow bloggers brought about gamut of emotions over the past two weeks. When we embarked on the IVF journey and started blogging, I made new friends…women I could relate to almost immediately without ever meeting them or knowing their real names. At times, it wasn’t even necessary to see their ‘My Story’. We were all on the same wild ride of physical and mental emotions that infertility brings to you.
Some of us went on to becoming pregnant, some fell pregnant and but lost their little ones along the way and some regain strength and move on to trying again after failed or cancelled cycles. While I feel fortunate for having come this far along in our pregnancy, my heart aches for fellow bloggers who are either not out of the woods or have/are dealing with loss in pregnancy. I don’t always respond to posts, but always have them in my thoughts and pray for their well-being. I thought I was brave but all these women (barrenbetty, manju, ecutri, IVFfervescent, missy, CC, becky to name a few) have redefined bravery and courage for me.
Addition after publishing this post:
NewtoIVF, I knew I was missing someone important on my list. Sorry about that and hope you are doing better.
At my 7w1d scan yesterday, our little miracle had a fetal heart rate of 155!
Still not out of the woods as Dr. N says anything can happen in the first trimester especially because this wasn’t a natural pregnancy, so just don’t know. But…(and this is a good “but”) I am starting to feel good about this slowly. DH and I are taking a day as it comes and being as realistic as we can. I guess part of me feels guilty about wanting to move on when I have been on the other side dealing with infertility wanting bond with other women out there and take inspiration from each others’ stories. That was the purpose of starting this blog, and I’m going to try my best not to turn it into some sharing pregnancy update blog – though will keep others posted on my situation every now and then.
So how am I doing?
– Taking post IVF meds round the clock, including the weekly progesterone injections
– Removing my pants and lying down with my legs wide open at the clinic each time now has become second nature to me
– (sorry TMI but no one tells you this…) Severe constipation thanks to all the progesterone meds. I am trying to be strict with myself about taking walks everyday – that seems to help
– I am craving to go out and eat a nice meal at a restaurant. I haven’t eaten outside food (restaurants / hotels etc) for almost 40 days..that is, since egg retrieval happened . I know… sounds a bit extreme but this was actually recommended by our clinic. They don’t want me to take any chances with contaminated food, especially in the monsoons in India
– Nausea and I have a ‘love – hate’ relationship going on at the moment… when it is present, I wonder when it will go away and when it is absent, I wonder if all is ok in there!
Otherwise – all is well and hoping it stays that way!
This has been an interesting week. We got our positive beta hCG test, the numbers more than doubled; we got another test done at a separate lab just in case the first one had messed up (yes! It has happened to us in the past) and at 20dp3dt my levels were at 13,560…a level I have never achieved before with any of our previous pregnancies.
So that’s good news right? I should be happy? But I am just OK! Well it’s not right of me to say I’m not happy, but I’m just afraid that if I start being happy, it will all be taken away from me…so I chose to be realistic until we are completely out of the woods. The docs think I should smile, the nurse thinks I should smile and even DH keeps asking me…why am I not smiling!!
I asked myself all the whys? And realised, that I have no control over this anymore (not that I did in the even in the beginning!). So why fuss, why be worried, why be scared? Sounds easy… but it is just so difficult to force myself to to feel a certain way.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am more than grateful to be where we are today. We even had our first early pregnancy scan yesterday and it was an overwhelming moment. I saw our sweet little pea…right there where it should be! And this is definitely a couple of steps ahead of where we’ve been before BUT we have a long long way to go! (Somehow that seems to supersede the former joy for me).
Anyway – so I am 5w6d as of today. I am still on all the post-IVF meds including the progesterone suppositories and a weekly progesterone oil injection. I think these will continue until for a few more weeks. I have all the early pregnancy symptoms taking over me – nausea, overly sensitive nose, bloating, queasiness, sore boobs – you name it! I am not complaining because I know that this only means that our sweet little pea is growing healthy and fine and my body is adjusting to its presence. That’s a good sign and I will hold on to it for now 🙂