Tag Archives: infertility

Where’s this pregnancy?

After a week of waiting, we went in for a scan today hoping to have a clearer idea of where this pregnancy is. Last week the doctors were certain it wasn’t a viable one because my beta HCG rose from 211 to 268 in 48 hours. They were hoping this was a chemical pregnancy that would resolve On its own and I would just get my period. However, a week later, there’s no spotting, not much pain and no visual on where this pregnancy is. The scan today was inconclusive. 

The doctors requested to get another beta HCG today. I was honestly hoping and praying the numbers were going down. To our surprise they didn’t drop and came in at 409! My number sort of doubled after about a week which is clearly not a good sign and we’re still very much in the “grey” area. 

I don’t know what to think and am taking it in one bit at a time. The doctors are hesitant to give me methotrexate until we see something in the scan and with my immature knowledge my guess is that we might not see anything with levels so low. This lingering thought at the back of my head is affecting me emotionally and physically. It’s affecting my marriage and it’s affecting my care for my baby. I don’t want this anymore. I want to put my fertility issues behind me for once and have a year not worrying about this. Is that too much to ask?!? 

I’m going in to see the doctor again tomorrow. I’m not sure what her opinion is going to be but if she asks me, I will let her know that I’m ok to start with methotrexate now rather than waiting through another week of this uncertainty lingering on our heads. I am missing out on this little miracle I have at home and it’s just not fair to her or to my DH who has so patiently held my hand through each of these pregnancies…viable or not! 

I love them both to bits. I’m not sad about what’s happening to me but:

I am not liking the fact that I am pregnant (like this)

I am not liking the fact that I am away from my child for long hours and she’s left with a nanny

I am not liking the fact that I am not a 100% when I’m with my child

I am not liking the fact that my hormones are all over the place and I’m having a difficult time controlling them

Am I being to selfish?!? Or am I being too negative?!? Or is it both?!? I just want to put this behind us and move on. It’s not fair to my family anymore. I need me to be me for them. It’s about time. 

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My fellow infertility bloggers

I’ve been away from the blogging the past few weeks but not away from the community. Reading updates from fellow bloggers brought about gamut of emotions over the past two weeks. When we embarked on the IVF journey and started blogging, I made new friends…women I could relate to almost immediately without ever meeting them or knowing their real names. At times, it wasn’t even necessary to see their ‘My Story’. We were all on the same wild ride of physical and mental emotions that infertility brings to you.

Some of us went on to becoming pregnant, some fell pregnant and but lost their little ones along the way and some regain strength and move on to trying again after failed or cancelled cycles. While I feel fortunate for having come this far along in our pregnancy, my heart aches for fellow bloggers who are either not out of the woods or have/are dealing with loss in pregnancy. I don’t always respond to posts, but always have them in my thoughts and pray for their well-being. I thought I was brave but all these women (barrenbetty, manju, ecutri, IVFfervescent, missyCC, becky to name a few) have redefined bravery and courage for me.

Addition after publishing this post:

NewtoIVF, I knew I was missing someone important on my list. Sorry about that and hope you are doing better.

My dream

Something about me that most people don’t know is that I have dreams and the next morning, I seem to remember many of them in detail (thought they don’t make sense most of the time!).

Last night I dreamt I was 7 months pregnant. We were expecting a baby boy and were setting up our new home for the newest addition to our family. Our baby was born prematurely and was kept away from me for days but in the end it was all fine. Our baby was most perfect with his ten little fingers and ten little toes. He was our baby and I was his mother. He had my looks but had his father’s eyes and nose. Everyone in the family came to see him when we got him home for the first time. We put him down in his crib and doted on him. I felt blessed.

My dream reminded me about this post I read on my babycentre forum a few days ago and I thought I should share here. This lady has so aptly put what most of us feel about being mothers but are probably unable to put into words…

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. 

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books but because:

I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.



I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. 

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him, and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. 



I count myself lucky in this sense: that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.



I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.



I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain. 



I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. 



I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.



I have prevailed.



I have succeeded.



I have won.



So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.



I listen.



And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.



I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and that life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.



I have learned to appreciate life.



Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.