Tag Archives: grief&loss

Dealing with expected due dates (EDD)

I will admit I forgot my EDD from the first ectopic pregnancy this year and it makes me feel bad about myself. I remembered a few days before and then a couple of days later past 24-September.

How could I forget or rather not remember? Just because I am pregnant now, finding it hard to believe we’ve made this far along and starting to enjoy our pregnancy, doesn’t justify me not remembering, taking the time away to think about our kiddo and how he or she would have been two years old already.

Dealing with the EDD after a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy and/or any pregnancy loss is tough. I think even though DH doesn’t really talk about it or bring it up, he deals with it on his own trying to not let it affect me. Also, in some ways, I think men are just built differently wanting to move on and look into the future instead of holding on to the past.

I think of my first pregnancy dearly from time to time…the good times and happy moments of when we found out to the shock, hurt, and pain of losing our kiddo and my left tube. Not undermining my other two failed pregnancies, I am very attached to the first one because for a good number of days we were a happy couple that had just found out they were pregnant, my body had accepted the pregnancy which was growing and only later when I started spotting a little did we realise that the pregnancy had implanted in the wrong place. With my other two failed pregnancies, I started showing signs of a non-viable pregnancy right from day one.

In September 2011 when kiddo was due, I was shattered on that day to be honest because I had had two ectopic pregnancies by then. I just sat by myself at home most of the day and I cried and I cried. I wrote an email to my sister about how I was feeling.

“As much as I tried to prepare myself for this week I knew it would be difficult. This Saturday (24-Sep) was my expected due date from the Jan EP. 9 months have gone by and it’s so tough thinking about all that we planned back in January when we first found out that we were pregnant. We had such a pretty picture painted for this week- me with a big belly, DH coming home sooner from work everyday, the guest bedroom ready for the baby, mom and me playing card games to keep me occupied, speaking to you several times a day to give you updates, everyone eagerly waiting – anxious but excited. 

But God had different plans. He protected me and took our kiddo away. I know everyone says time heals but no one prepares you for this. No ones know what it feels like. 

Don’t worry – I will be fine. I know DH is going through something too but he’s putting up a really brave front for me. 
I pray everyday to gain strength to move on from the events of this year. I know there’s far worse out there and my troubles are nothing compared to others. I am trying to patiently wait to see that bright light under this long dark tunnel.”

In September of 2012, I was a different kind of wreck – three failed pregnancies and drained of any strength I probably had left inside of them. Its tougher putting on a smile on your face, going to work, meeting and greeting people when on the inside all you want to do is crawl up in bed and just be left with your thought for that one day.

This year, I still can’t get over the fact that I didn’t remember on the EDD. I talk to our baby everyday and tell him/her about kiddo time and again, about how fortunate we are to have him/her and the fact that so many angels looking over him/her.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is no easy way of dealing with EDDs after any pregnancy loss. For me, accepting, remembering and moving on is a better option than trying to forget, suppressing and moving on. People (DH, family, friends) may or may not understand why it affects many of us so much…I just try to not let it bother me.


Losing a loved one when pregnant

I lost my other grand mom (Dad’s mom) this morning…making it our second family loss since we’ve been pregnant this year.

It is such a mixed bag of emotions for me right now because I have been very close to both my grandmothers and losing them both in a matter of months is something I cannot describe in words. I am trying my best to be strong for our little one and look at the positives.

“Ba” (means mother or grandmother in my native language and what we called her) was 92 years old and went away peacefully after a week of taking ill. She was not dependant on others and asked very little of her huge family (she has mothered 6 children, 13 grandchildren and lived to see more than 10 of her great-grandchildren). Just a few days after she took ill, she surrendered her life to God by stopping all medication, all food and consumed only little water. That I thought was truly courageous something (renounce life) most people want towards the end but many unable to do. In that regard, I can say she went on her terms when she was ready and I am trying my best to hold on to that.

But the granddaughter part of me is still sad…sad because I really really wish I could have met her once last time and said goodbye…just to hold her hand and seek her blessings that one last time. Ba lives in another city about an hour flight away from Mumbai. I met her earlier this year in March just around the time we started IVF and since then Dr.N has prohibited me to fly…either due to ongoing IVF medication or because I was pregnant in my first trimester. So unfortunately, I was unable to visit her for a while.

I have countless fond memories of Ba which I’ll pen down later in my personal journal. My last conversation with her was about a month back when I told her I was pregnant. While I have never talked about my fertility issues with her, for some reason, I have always had the feeling that Ba knew something off when it came to DH and I getting pregnant. She never asked directly and I never said anything to her in this regard. On several occasions over the past few years, she would ask “Any good news” and I would respond saying “No, nothing” and to that she would simply say “Trust God when it comes to such things. It will happen when it has to and if it doesn’t for whatever reason, you are lucky to have a husband who loves you no matter what”. For someone of her age, her traditional background and no education to say something like that meant the world to me. She was and in my mind will always be so much more forward thinking than many others in this present generation.

When I gave Ba our pregnancy news last month, she sounded so happy…I could sense it over the phone. She gave her blessings and said several things in own style but the one thing she said in the end was funny and will always put a smile on my face. She said (in my native language) “Chokru tara jevu roopadu roopadu nikle” which means “I hope the kid comes out fair-looking like you”.

No, my dearest Ba is not racist but she has always been obsessed with fair(er)-skin even though she herself had a beautiful Indian skin tone. My DH is a little on the darker side and hence her comment in the form of a blessing / wish whatever you might want to call it. I guess we’ll find out in Jan next year whether her wish came true or not!

2WW: Mourning a loss and hoping for a new life

My dearest grandmom passed away Friday night. Her heart finally gave way and she went away peacefully. She had taken ill over the last week-to-10 days. Though we were preparing ourselves for her deteriorating condition, I honestly didn’t imagine it happening so quickly. The past couple of days have been tough. I was torn between mourning her loss and taking care of myself trying to ensure my body was minimally affected in the middle of our two-week wait (2WW). It was (and in many ways still is) such a struggle, wanting to cry but forcing myself to stay strong and positive.

At this point, I am choosing to be strong because she wouldn’t accept it any other way. Grandma was a brutally blunt and honest woman. She had a strong will-power and took every adversity that she faced in life head-on. She was independent through her life (my poor Grandpa!), and even at her age, she didn’t succumb to her illness wanting to do everything on her own right up to the end. She was a devoted wife and a nurturing mother who had an admirable passion for food … so much so that she didn’t give up cooking for her kids even in her last few days.

Grandma and I were very close. In fact, she was more like a close friend to most of her grandchildren than a grandmom. I am going to miss her loads…for my own selfish purposes…

  • will miss having my once a week coffee sessions with her (she used to help me take my mind off things instead of it being the other way around)
  • will miss catching up on her neighbourhood gossip
  • will miss getting updated on the family gossip (yes ! she loved to gossip!)
  • will miss her playing match-maker
  • will miss her goodie bags each time I return from her home
  • will miss her home-remedies (she had a tonne of quick-fixes for babies and new borns)
  • will miss sitting on her kitchen platform and sneaking titbits of food as she cooked for me
  • will miss her relentless urge to please everyone with her cooking
  • will miss calling her for recipes (wish I’d known more of her cooking secrets)
  • will miss sitting at her feet and her hand gently stroking mine
  • will miss her for forgetting that I am over 30 years old and no longer a child
  • will miss our “doshima” (little old lady) at all future family get togethers

I have more to write…but am all welled up now so will stop writing about her. Just keep reminding myself that she is in a happier place now.

As for me, I am doing ok given the circumstances. We are at 11dp3dt. Nothing unusual, so not sure if that’s good or bad. I don’t test until Friday, that is the beta HcG blood test. Until then, will try my best to stay away from taking a home pregnancy test (HPT) on Dr.N’s recommendation.