Wow! This sure is the longest I’ve been away from blogging. No excuses honestly…I just didn’t get around to writing. There hasn’t been much of an update and neither have I wanted to blog about anything in particular. I have been following my dear blogging friends and speaking to a few on baby centre forums going through infertility treatments and ectopic pregnancies, sharing my experience and offering them my support.
Although I am on the January 2014 birth clubs, I pretty much feel like I lack this sense of belonging on those groups. Yes, I am pregnant like most on that group and I am going through most of the changes along with them but the sentiments or the feelings behind any of those changes is quite different. I participate if and when I have something to contribute, otherwise, I stay away and am usually a silent reader. I wonder if birth clubs for pregnancies after loss/infertility would have different posts compared to normal posts/topics on birth clubs. I don’t mean to imply that the topics or the posts discussed are mundane or not important. Of course they are and they bring out the light side of pregnancy. Why would someone not be excited about their bump, or a silly story about passing gas in public, or discuss how their sex lives have changed. These women are enjoying their pregnancies and who knows…in all likelihood I would be participating like everyone else on there if it weren’t for our history. It’s just that after going through what we went through I welcome all the normalcy in our pregnancy and symptoms with open arms.
For example, in our first trimester, the nausea bothered me in the first trimester but I didn’t say to myself ‘why me’ or ‘when will this go’. I knew it was happening for a reason and went along with it. In our second trimester, I wasn’t allowed to travel much when many spoke about their breaks and baby moon travel. I welcomed staying in the city and found alternatives to give myself and DH a break. I couldn’t be bothered about sharing our news and wanted to protect our bump as long as possible. And now, in our third trimester, when the acid reflux and baby movements keep me up all night long, I can’t be bothered or complain about how tired and exhausted I feel through the day. I just love the fact that the baby is active and take that as a sign that all is well inside. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t sleep on purpose because I fear I won’t feel the baby and be able to track its movements. I guess even if you leave our history out, I’ve been a paranoid person and with this pregnancy coming this far along, I don’t think I will stop ‘being paranoid’ even after our precious little one is in our arms. Well, maybe a sigh of relief for a moment but no more!
Today, we had our 29-30 week scan. It was just a normal Obs/Growth scan to check if all was good, placenta position and levels of amniotic fluid. My last scan was at 18weeks when the placenta was low-lying and almost touching internal os. Today, at 30weeks, it was still low-lying but it seems to have moved up (slightly) and is 1.7cms away from internal os (when 2cms is considered normal). The remaining growth measurements all came out normal. The sound of that heartbeat brought tears to my eyes once again and a close up view of the face showed us a our shy baby with its tiny hands covering part of its face. It was a priceless moment, specially seeing the look on DH’s face.
It still is very difficult being happy or rather excited. Many in the family tell me that I’m fine, everything is progressing well and I should enjoy the pregnancy. I honestly try though at a very subconscious level I can’t help but be cautious. In the last two weeks, I’ve read of heart breaking stories about a couple of my fellow bloggers who have lost their babies along the way and one of them who is critical in the hospital (due to placenta praevia). My heart aches for them. No one should go through what they are going through and it’s just not fair.
People around me don’t know what it takes for us or other couples like us who have dealt with loss and infertility to get where we are. They don’t know the pain, they don’t know the agony, they don’t know what it feels like when your body deceives you time and again, they don’t know what it feels like when you keep thinking ‘things will never be normal again’, they don’t know what goes into picking yourself up from what feels like a deep dark hole you think you’ll never come out of but somehow your strength and resilience prevail and you manage to get out of it.
I pray for them and I pray for us. Just hoping to get through the next 8-10 weeks smoothly and hold our baby in our hand.