Where’s this pregnancy?

After a week of waiting, we went in for a scan today hoping to have a clearer idea of where this pregnancy is. Last week the doctors were certain it wasn’t a viable one because my beta HCG rose from 211 to 268 in 48 hours. They were hoping this was a chemical pregnancy that would resolve On its own and I would just get my period. However, a week later, there’s no spotting, not much pain and no visual on where this pregnancy is. The scan today was inconclusive. 

The doctors requested to get another beta HCG today. I was honestly hoping and praying the numbers were going down. To our surprise they didn’t drop and came in at 409! My number sort of doubled after about a week which is clearly not a good sign and we’re still very much in the “grey” area. 

I don’t know what to think and am taking it in one bit at a time. The doctors are hesitant to give me methotrexate until we see something in the scan and with my immature knowledge my guess is that we might not see anything with levels so low. This lingering thought at the back of my head is affecting me emotionally and physically. It’s affecting my marriage and it’s affecting my care for my baby. I don’t want this anymore. I want to put my fertility issues behind me for once and have a year not worrying about this. Is that too much to ask?!? 

I’m going in to see the doctor again tomorrow. I’m not sure what her opinion is going to be but if she asks me, I will let her know that I’m ok to start with methotrexate now rather than waiting through another week of this uncertainty lingering on our heads. I am missing out on this little miracle I have at home and it’s just not fair to her or to my DH who has so patiently held my hand through each of these pregnancies…viable or not! 

I love them both to bits. I’m not sad about what’s happening to me but:

I am not liking the fact that I am pregnant (like this)

I am not liking the fact that I am away from my child for long hours and she’s left with a nanny

I am not liking the fact that I am not a 100% when I’m with my child

I am not liking the fact that my hormones are all over the place and I’m having a difficult time controlling them

Am I being to selfish?!? Or am I being too negative?!? Or is it both?!? I just want to put this behind us and move on. It’s not fair to my family anymore. I need me to be me for them. It’s about time. 

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