I will admit I forgot my EDD from the first ectopic pregnancy this year and it makes me feel bad about myself. I remembered a few days before and then a couple of days later past 24-September.
How could I forget or rather not remember? Just because I am pregnant now, finding it hard to believe we’ve made this far along and starting to enjoy our pregnancy, doesn’t justify me not remembering, taking the time away to think about our kiddo and how he or she would have been two years old already.
Dealing with the EDD after a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy and/or any pregnancy loss is tough. I think even though DH doesn’t really talk about it or bring it up, he deals with it on his own trying to not let it affect me. Also, in some ways, I think men are just built differently wanting to move on and look into the future instead of holding on to the past.
I think of my first pregnancy dearly from time to time…the good times and happy moments of when we found out to the shock, hurt, and pain of losing our kiddo and my left tube. Not undermining my other two failed pregnancies, I am very attached to the first one because for a good number of days we were a happy couple that had just found out they were pregnant, my body had accepted the pregnancy which was growing and only later when I started spotting a little did we realise that the pregnancy had implanted in the wrong place. With my other two failed pregnancies, I started showing signs of a non-viable pregnancy right from day one.
In September 2011 when kiddo was due, I was shattered on that day to be honest because I had had two ectopic pregnancies by then. I just sat by myself at home most of the day and I cried and I cried. I wrote an email to my sister about how I was feeling.
“As much as I tried to prepare myself for this week I knew it would be difficult. This Saturday (24-Sep) was my expected due date from the Jan EP. 9 months have gone by and it’s so tough thinking about all that we planned back in January when we first found out that we were pregnant. We had such a pretty picture painted for this week- me with a big belly, DH coming home sooner from work everyday, the guest bedroom ready for the baby, mom and me playing card games to keep me occupied, speaking to you several times a day to give you updates, everyone eagerly waiting – anxious but excited.
But God had different plans. He protected me and took our kiddo away. I know everyone says time heals but no one prepares you for this. No ones know what it feels like.
Don’t worry – I will be fine. I know DH is going through something too but he’s putting up a really brave front for me.
I pray everyday to gain strength to move on from the events of this year. I know there’s far worse out there and my troubles are nothing compared to others. I am trying to patiently wait to see that bright light under this long dark tunnel.”
In September of 2012, I was a different kind of wreck – three failed pregnancies and drained of any strength I probably had left inside of them. Its tougher putting on a smile on your face, going to work, meeting and greeting people when on the inside all you want to do is crawl up in bed and just be left with your thought for that one day.
This year, I still can’t get over the fact that I didn’t remember on the EDD. I talk to our baby everyday and tell him/her about kiddo time and again, about how fortunate we are to have him/her and the fact that so many angels looking over him/her.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is no easy way of dealing with EDDs after any pregnancy loss. For me, accepting, remembering and moving on is a better option than trying to forget, suppressing and moving on. People (DH, family, friends) may or may not understand why it affects many of us so much…I just try to not let it bother me.