Monthly Archives: September 2013

Losing a loved one when pregnant

I lost my other grand mom (Dad’s mom) this morning…making it our second family loss since we’ve been pregnant this year.

It is such a mixed bag of emotions for me right now because I have been very close to both my grandmothers and losing them both in a matter of months is something I cannot describe in words. I am trying my best to be strong for our little one and look at the positives.

“Ba” (means mother or grandmother in my native language and what we called her) was 92 years old and went away peacefully after a week of taking ill. She was not dependant on others and asked very little of her huge family (she has┬ámothered 6 children, 13 grandchildren and lived to see more than 10 of her great-grandchildren). Just a few days after she took ill, she surrendered her life to God by stopping all medication, all food and consumed only little water. That I thought was truly courageous something (renounce life) most people want towards the end but many unable to do. In that regard, I can say she went on her terms when she was ready and I am trying my best to hold on to that.

But the granddaughter part of me is still sad…sad because I really really wish I could have met her once last time and said goodbye…just to hold her hand and seek her blessings that one last time. Ba lives in another city about an hour flight away from Mumbai. I met her earlier this year in March just around the time we started IVF and since then Dr.N has prohibited me to fly…either due to ongoing IVF medication or because I was pregnant in my first trimester. So unfortunately, I was unable to visit her for a while.

I have countless fond memories of Ba which I’ll pen down later in my personal journal. My last conversation with her was about a month back when I told her I was pregnant. While I have never talked about my fertility issues with her, for some reason, I have always had the feeling that Ba knew something off when it came to DH and I getting pregnant. She never asked directly and I never said anything to her in this regard. On several occasions over the past few years, she would ask “Any good news” and I would respond saying “No, nothing” and to that she would simply say “Trust God when it comes to such things. It will happen when it has to and if it doesn’t for whatever reason, you are lucky to have a husband who loves you no matter what”. For someone of her age, her traditional background and no education to say something like that meant the world to me. She was and in my mind will always be so much more forward thinking than many others in this present generation.

When I gave Ba our pregnancy news last month, she sounded so happy…I could sense it over the phone. She gave her blessings and said several things in own style but the one thing she said in the end was funny and will always put a smile on my face. She said (in my native language) “Chokru tara jevu roopadu roopadu nikle” which means “I hope the kid comes out fair-looking like you”.

No, my dearest Ba is not racist but she has always been obsessed with fair(er)-skin even though she herself had a beautiful Indian skin tone. My DH is a little on the darker side and hence her comment in the form of a blessing / wish whatever you might want to call it. I guess we’ll find out in Jan next year whether her wish came true or not!

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