Monthly Archives: May 2013

More anxiety …and more patience

I can now say …. DH and I are cautiously expecting! 🙂

My beta HCG came back positive…I am still having a very hard time believing it and it still hasn’t quite sunk in yet.

So my numbers were:

14dp3dt 1230

17dp3dt 4927

It’s still very early so I’m trying really hard to ONLY take a day as it comes. And yes- the coming days will be full of more anxiety. 🙂 We have a scan scheduled next week to see that the pregnancy is in the uterus…it’s probably going to be most nerve racking for me given our history of first scans…but trying my best to stay positive and enjoy this moment.

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The much-dreaded 2WW comes to an end!

Now that the much-dreaded two-week wait (2WW) post IVF is over, I wonder if it was (is) overrated. I am certain most women would disagree with me. I don’t mean to dismiss what they’re going through as I, too, have been there before right from the time we first started our TTC journey. The anxiety of peeing on a stick (POAS) builds every minute since you think you ovulated (if TTC naturally) or since you got home after the transfer. I have read about so many women on multiple babycentre forums talking about “to test or not to test”, “when to test…is it too early? 6dp3dt? Or 9dp3dt?”, “it’s a faint line – what does it mean?”, “I got a BFN but was it early and is there hope”. I am not trying to undermine what they’re going through at all… in fact I am saying that I have been there and it is so damn silly!

Just yesterday, I was telling DH how tempting it was to just grab one of those home pregnancy test (HPTs) and POAS since I was already 13dp3dt. We had a couple left over from our last failed pregnancy…they were sitting right there under our bathroom vanity waiting for me to pick one up! My mind was playing games on me but I chose NOT to POAS and wait for today’s blood test results.

Here’s why:

The restless me started going to some of the blogs I follow last evening trying to get a sign – I knew I shouldn’t test but why I was I getting so restless?? Fortunately, I got my answer from Manju’s blog and of all the wonderful topics she blogs about, it had to be ‘When should I test for pregnancy after embryo transfer?’ Guess it was a good enough sign for me to not test 🙂

I suddenly got clarity on why a beta HcG blood test is worth waiting for instead of just taking an HPT. From past experience, I can vouch for (1) not taking HPTs too early and (2) waiting for beta HcG blood tests instead of taking HPTs with IVF/ICSI or maybe even IUI.

Firstly, a positive HPT – also known as the ‘BFP’ (big fat positive) – does not mean a viable pregnancy neither does it mean you have a baby in hand. Sorry to be crude, but that is the truth (told you I am a realist borderline pessimist now!). Yes – it does mean a step forward but I have had not one but three BFPs in the past and with the exception of the first one, which came with excitement and anxiety, they have only made me feel oozy about the unknown. For a split second, my mind raced through days and months ahead…I started calculating the due date, planning our next nine months, and imagining the nursery. Unfortunately, these BFPs were followed by several beta HcG blood tests and a series of not so nice news followed by graver uncertainties about my fertility. At these times, the pregnancy failing or miscarrying without intervention becomes good news. It is so very difficult to ‘be normal’ and gather courage to TTC again after the ray of hope you developed seeing that faint second pink line is crushed…

Secondly, after starting the IVF journey, I have only recently started learning the true meaning of the word ‘patience’. Every step of the IVF process takes you (well, it has at least taken me) to a whole new level of being patient.

I have learned that being patient doesn’t end at starting your IVF journey, it doesn’t end when you begin your injections, it doesn’t end when your doc tells you “I am sorry, you are not responding. We will try another course of treatment the next time, but I think we should cancel this cycle”, it doesn’t end when the new treatment begins, it doesn’t end at egg retrieval, it doesn’t end at that stage where you wonder for each minute for three days straight how your embryos are progressing, it doesn’t end on egg transfer day – the true test of patience is when you have a full bladder for hours and all you try to keep in mind is your end goal, it doesn’t end after transfer day as you told to ‘be patient’ for what probably feels the longest 14 days of your life.

But dear me, I will be so wrong to think that being patient ends here. Today, I only had one beta HcG test – it may be positive or it may be negative. If it is negative, we go back to step one of IVF and will continue to patiently hope for our miracle some day ….this could be one cycle or many more cycles. If it is positive (God willing!), my patience will be tested each day from waiting (and wanting) doubling HcG numbers, to ensuring it’s a viable pregnancy, to hearing that heartbeat and knowing that the little bean is growing well and healthy. And trust me, I don’t think it will end even after I have our little miracle in our hands…isn’t parenthood all about being patient and waiting-it-out?!? Then, the 2WW should be anything but dreadful in front out our end goal…shouldn’t it?

I guess what I’m trying to say is, that though DH and I have come a long way, this is just the beginning and we have a much longer way to go from here today (in which direction…I am not too sure!) If I can’t get through the much-dreaded 2WW right now and have some self-control about POAS, I am only inviting trouble for myself in future! 🙂

 PS: I just re-read my post and it seems a bit daunting but promise that’s not the intent…just trying to prepare myself in the best way I can…!

2WW: Mourning a loss and hoping for a new life

My dearest grandmom passed away Friday night. Her heart finally gave way and she went away peacefully. She had taken ill over the last week-to-10 days. Though we were preparing ourselves for her deteriorating condition, I honestly didn’t imagine it happening so quickly. The past couple of days have been tough. I was torn between mourning her loss and taking care of myself trying to ensure my body was minimally affected in the middle of our two-week wait (2WW). It was (and in many ways still is) such a struggle, wanting to cry but forcing myself to stay strong and positive.

At this point, I am choosing to be strong because she wouldn’t accept it any other way. Grandma was a brutally blunt and honest woman. She had a strong will-power and took every adversity that she faced in life head-on. She was independent through her life (my poor Grandpa!), and even at her age, she didn’t succumb to her illness wanting to do everything on her own right up to the end. She was a devoted wife and a nurturing mother who had an admirable passion for food … so much so that she didn’t give up cooking for her kids even in her last few days.

Grandma and I were very close. In fact, she was more like a close friend to most of her grandchildren than a grandmom. I am going to miss her loads…for my own selfish purposes…

  • will miss having my once a week coffee sessions with her (she used to help me take my mind off things instead of it being the other way around)
  • will miss catching up on her neighbourhood gossip
  • will miss getting updated on the family gossip (yes ! she loved to gossip!)
  • will miss her playing match-maker
  • will miss her goodie bags each time I return from her home
  • will miss her home-remedies (she had a tonne of quick-fixes for babies and new borns)
  • will miss sitting on her kitchen platform and sneaking titbits of food as she cooked for me
  • will miss her relentless urge to please everyone with her cooking
  • will miss calling her for recipes (wish I’d known more of her cooking secrets)
  • will miss sitting at her feet and her hand gently stroking mine
  • will miss her for forgetting that I am over 30 years old and no longer a child
  • will miss our “doshima” (little old lady) at all future family get togethers

I have more to write…but am all welled up now so will stop writing about her. Just keep reminding myself that she is in a happier place now.

As for me, I am doing ok given the circumstances. We are at 11dp3dt. Nothing unusual, so not sure if that’s good or bad. I don’t test until Friday, that is the beta HcG blood test. Until then, will try my best to stay away from taking a home pregnancy test (HPT) on Dr.N’s recommendation.