Monthly Archives: April 2013

My dream

Something about me that most people don’t know is that I have dreams and the next morning, I seem to remember many of them in detail (thought they don’t make sense most of the time!).

Last night I dreamt I was 7 months pregnant. We were expecting a baby boy and were setting up our new home for the newest addition to our family. Our baby was born prematurely and was kept away from me for days but in the end it was all fine. Our baby was most perfect with his ten little fingers and ten little toes. He was our baby and I was his mother. He had my looks but had his father’s eyes and nose. Everyone in the family came to see him when we got him home for the first time. We put him down in his crib and doted on him. I felt blessed.

My dream reminded me about this post I read on my babycentre forum a few days ago and I thought I should share here. This lady has so aptly put what most of us feel about being mothers but are probably unable to put into words…

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. 

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books but because:

I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. 

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him, and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. 

I count myself lucky in this sense: that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain. 

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. 

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and that life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.


Ups and downs – that’s the way an IVF cycle goes?

So I have had an interesting week IVF progress wise. For almost a month now, I have been on Lupride4 (Lupron equivalent) waiting for the only two follies that grew after stimulants in the last cancelled cycle to shrink. The progress was very unexpected:

  • The day we cancelled IVF1.2: Follicle one at 13mm and follicle two at 15mm; we stop stimulants and start suppressants
  • Almost two weeks go by no period and not sure what’s happening; Dr. N doubles suppressant dose
  • Week 2: Follicle one at 22mm and follicle two at 26mm (wondering what’s going on…!?!); continue double dose
  • Week 3: Follicle one at 14mm and follicle two at 28mm (really?!?); had a choice of puncturing the cyst but chose to continue
  • Week 4: (seriously keeping fingers crossed now) Follicle one at >5mm and follicle two at 28mm!

On the not so positive side, we had to go through a small surgical procedure to remove the cyst (ovarian cyst aspiration) as Dr.N didn’t think this was going to go down. On the positive side, we could start stimulants as soon as the cyst had been removed as all else looked good on the scan. We checked ourselves into the clinic yesterday and fortunately it all went fine. I was out the clinic in half a day and was told to take it easy a day or so.

On the personal front, I have become more edgy, more sensitive, more moody, less accepting, less forgiving…or at least I feel that way. At times, I feel like I’m doing my best to make sure everyone around me (particularly DH) gets least affected…trying to save them from the ‘hormonal’ me. But at times I feel that me ‘trying’ to do that is probably just making things worse…for them and for me.

On that note, I will ‘try’ not to do anything different this week – probably just indulge myself in work and maybe pamper myself with a pedicure.

Having some ‘IVF free’ time

I have had some forced time away from IVF the last two weeks. Long story short, I had two cysts after two weeks after stopping stimulants and starting suppressants. Sorry – I know it might sound confusing but do look at our TTC timeline in case you’d like to know what’s going on.

I knew I would get harrowed and worry about the cysts shrinking all the time. In addition, taking two injections daily instead of one was a constant reminder of what was happening even if I tried to distract myself. Just around the time we found out about the cysts, it was my brother’s birthday. I had been avoiding meeting extended family thinking it would be laborious (just mentally!) But my grand-mom hadn’t been keeping too well for the past few weeks and I thought by having the whole family together for my brother’s birthday would be a good distraction for her and I arranged for a family brunch at our place two Sundays back.

Little did I know that this would turn out to be more of a distraction for me than my grand-mom! The headcount was roughly around 12 people – all family from my mom’s side of the family. Our Sunday brunch turned out to be an all day session of poker where everybody played but DH (he doesn’t play cards) and we sort of had to push everyone out past 9pm!

It was probably the first day (after many) that I didn’t think about IVF, I didn’t think about my failed pregnancies, I didn’t think about what if this doesn’t work, I didn’t think about what next in our plan of action, I didn’t think of my infertility and no one even mentioned anything remotely related to that (not that they know but DH and I have been married for over five years now so I’m guessing it has cropped up in their mind at some point in time).

My two maternal uncles who have a crazy sense of humour made us laugh through the day; my two aunts, my mom and I exchanged recipes and talked about house decor; my two cousin sisters and I had a good girlie catch up session; my brother and I caught up after a long time; it just felt great having dad around all day; speaking to my grand-mom reminded me of the simplicity and small pleasures in life and finally DH played wonderful host through the day and even made tea for everyone…something he hasn’t done in over a year since we moved out of London. Everything about that day made me smile.

Lesson to self – never underestimate the support you can get from family. It does not matter whether they are aware about your infertility.

All in all, I felt ‘lighter’. I got a glimpse of what I would be like if I didn’t carry the ‘burden of worries’ that are self-created and come along with dealing with infertility. I realised that “not being worried” or “not being anxious” or “not thinking about IVF and infertility” is not going to impact the outcome of our treatment. Then why would I not have more days like these?!? (no! not playing poker everyday but having at least some IVF free time.)

Of course, this is all easier said than done…but I guess it is the realisation that counts! 🙂