It’s over

I finally got what felt like a period about 2.5 weeks after my expected period. On Tuesday my levels dropped to 239 after which the cramping began and then unbelievable pain…I could cry even after taking 400mg of nurofen. It lasted a few hours all through dinner on our mini-holiday. I’m sitting in this beautiful restaurant making polite conversation with our server while all I wanted to do was curl up and dig my head into a pillow. 

DH has been wonderful as always about the whole event and took BabyB away from me for that evening and the next morning. He let me “rest” and let me be. Being away from home actually helped and BabyB took my mind of as always. 

I’m glad it’s done. I’m glad it’s over. At this point in time I honestly can’t think of getting pregnant again – naturally or via IVF. Maybe I’m being selfish but I need some time for myself and my family without my hormones going all over the place for once! (I’ll tell you why in my next post). 

For now, it’s done and time to move on (again!) 

My 16-month old bundle of joy

My little bundle of joy is not so little anymore! Baby B is now 16-months old, looking more like a 2 year old! No- seriously, physically and mentally (touchwood) she’s doing great. She vocalises herself well, uses so many words and even tries repeating everything everyone says. She’s a quick learner and an admiral observer. She gets bored easily by doing the same things so I have to keep up with her by introducing new things to her all the time – be it the way we talk, the games we play, the toys we have or the books we read! Eric Carle is ‘easy peasy’ for her and she spots all animals from a macaw to a camel to a toucan to a giraffe! She challenges me as a mom on a whole new level.

Today, she decided to bite her own fingers for some reason. She thought it was funny at first and then bit harder realising what pain felt like. I honestly saw real fat painful tears and for some reason she continued to bite herself and cry. I had to watch her very closely and hold her hands down. When I offered my fingers to bite, she refused…and bit herself again! Funny girl🙂

I was working today for half a day partly because I had work and partly because I have been so run down physically and mentally that I don’t think I am there for her a 100%. Baby B always notices I get blood draws every 48 hours not because she’s seen someone prick me with a needle but because she sees that little white medical tape on my arm, touches it gently every now and then and hums a little ‘ssss’ (like it hurts).

I love her to bits – its almost scary how much I love her.

Tonight, she didn’t fall asleep in my lap and didn’t cry when I left her in the crib in the room. But after a little while, she started calling out to me (just a few minutes after I got my blood test results and I was feeling down). I was in need of a hug…someone to tell me all was okay. And she kept calling out my “Mamma”. I usually don’t go in to grab her and she invariably falls back asleep in a few minutes. But today, I went in when she kept calling my name out for 10 minutes. I grabbed her, she hugged me. She hugged me nice and snug and tighter and tighter and gave me unwarranted kisses and hugged me again resting her head on my shoulder. Its almost like she knew – she knew I needed that hug. She loves me unconditionally and thats the best kind of love. This is the clean kind of love…so pure so real. DSC_0465

Quick update on our latest pregnancy:

I started on methotrexate and my beta HCG levels dropped yesterday to 371 (from 409) 48hours earlier. No more meds for now and blood draws will continue every 48hrs. We’re away on holiday …just a short city break in five days. I’m thinking this won’t be resolved by then but hoping it won’t interfere with our family time away.

Where’s this pregnancy?

After a week of waiting, we went in for a scan today hoping to have a clearer idea of where this pregnancy is. Last week the doctors were certain it wasn’t a viable one because my beta HCG rose from 211 to 268 in 48 hours. They were hoping this was a chemical pregnancy that would resolve On its own and I would just get my period. However, a week later, there’s no spotting, not much pain and no visual on where this pregnancy is. The scan today was inconclusive. 

The doctors requested to get another beta HCG today. I was honestly hoping and praying the numbers were going down. To our surprise they didn’t drop and came in at 409! My number sort of doubled after about a week which is clearly not a good sign and we’re still very much in the “grey” area. 

I don’t know what to think and am taking it in one bit at a time. The doctors are hesitant to give me methotrexate until we see something in the scan and with my immature knowledge my guess is that we might not see anything with levels so low. This lingering thought at the back of my head is affecting me emotionally and physically. It’s affecting my marriage and it’s affecting my care for my baby. I don’t want this anymore. I want to put my fertility issues behind me for once and have a year not worrying about this. Is that too much to ask?!? 

I’m going in to see the doctor again tomorrow. I’m not sure what her opinion is going to be but if she asks me, I will let her know that I’m ok to start with methotrexate now rather than waiting through another week of this uncertainty lingering on our heads. I am missing out on this little miracle I have at home and it’s just not fair to her or to my DH who has so patiently held my hand through each of these pregnancies…viable or not! 

I love them both to bits. I’m not sad about what’s happening to me but:

I am not liking the fact that I am pregnant (like this)

I am not liking the fact that I am away from my child for long hours and she’s left with a nanny

I am not liking the fact that I am not a 100% when I’m with my child

I am not liking the fact that my hormones are all over the place and I’m having a difficult time controlling them

Am I being to selfish?!? Or am I being too negative?!? Or is it both?!? I just want to put this behind us and move on. It’s not fair to my family anymore. I need me to be me for them. It’s about time.